The Catalyst

As a little girl, I was fearless. In my mind there was nothing I could not do. I took it as a challenge if anyone told me otherwise. In the safety of childhood I felt free to get dirty, make mistakes and create mischief whenever an opportunity arose.

 

I cannot pinpoint exactly when it happened, but somewhere along my journey that bold, feisty little girl learned that holding back brought a sense of safety. That risk sometimes led to pain, both emotional and physical. That setting limitations lessened the chance of disappointment. That change was not always a good thing and should be feared.

As time passed, I let fear cripple me. I let life sweep me along, content most of the time to be along for the ride. My life become a waiting game. Waiting for things I dearly wanted to happen, and feeling like those things were completely dependent on others.

For most people it takes a major life event to shake them out of their complacency. For me, it was a divorce I did not ask for but needed. Being on my own forced me to truly examine my life. I realized that all the amazing adventures I had was a result of someone else's dreams. Most of my identity was tied to another person. When that person was gone, I felt like I had lost myself and had been set adrift with no destination.

The journey of self discovery and reinvention is not easy. At times I felt on the verge of drowning. During that time of uncertainty, what I did know was that I had a choice. I had to decide if I would drown or stay afloat. And so I started to swim.  

Slowly, I rebuilt a life I felt proud of. Time started to fly by and although I started to feel content again, I also started to feel a sense of unease. I had come a long way, but I was no closer to what I really wanted. I shied away from these thoughts for months, knowing that acknowledging them would lead to more change. I could feel myself nearing the edge of a cliff and since I'm afraid of heights, I wanted to avoid that cliff at all costs.

And then I read My Year with Eleanor: A Memoir over Christmas break. While reading that book, I could no longer deny I was letting fear influence my decisions. Fear was preventing me from moving forward. This book made me think about the little girl I used to be. She would probably roll her eyes at me and call me a wuss. And so I decided to take a running leap off that cliff.

A very wise friend recently asked me who I would be if I had no fear. The honest answer is: I don't know. But I am now ready to find out.